tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24675970.post114600067016227402..comments2023-08-20T04:50:13.424-07:00Comments on Progress Report: Rejig of descriptive paragraph with a bit extrathe teenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03715799204792667828noreply@blogger.comBlogger1125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24675970.post-1146002503095620282006-04-25T15:01:00.000-07:002006-04-25T15:01:00.000-07:00Ok - I'm not really expert in art (!)Put the full ...Ok - I'm not really expert in art (!)<BR/>Put the full stop in after "breath" - then it's good down to "confident"<BR/>Last para is a bit clumsy. I'm not going to make suggestions this time, but suggest you think about:<BR/>that split infinitive<BR/>the two participial sections before you get to the main verb "realised" - they weaken the sentence.<BR/>Vocabulary - do you really think "uttered" and "grabbing" are the most appropriate expressions here?<BR/><BR/>[I'm going to suggest that "muttered" would be better!]<BR/><BR/>I also think you should take another look at the sentence "Once the door was finally ..." It's a matter of pace. Would some stream of consciousness help here?Christine McIntoshhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14198224025775398453noreply@blogger.com