tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24675970.post116395595077136061..comments2023-08-20T04:50:13.424-07:00Comments on Progress Report: Personal/reflective essay redraftedthe teenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03715799204792667828noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24675970.post-35431149386931017852008-11-09T09:29:00.000-08:002008-11-09T09:29:00.000-08:00Hey, would it be possible for you to take this ess...Hey, would it be possible for you to take this essay offline as I have loosely based my essay on your's as i think it is brilliant. I don't want to risk being accused of copying of any sort so it would be most appreciated. I can you send you my essay if you are concerned I have copied but i can assure you I only copied the idea :)Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17760962422140842423noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24675970.post-1163961318858213352006-11-19T10:35:00.000-08:002006-11-19T10:35:00.000-08:00First thing that struck me today was that it needs...First thing that struck me today was that it needs some explanation of why your dad was standing at the front of the school. Mention that he's a management type! (be more creative than me)<BR/><BR/>"Emma was virtually an adult, therefore she understood.." - I'd put "and" instead of "therefore".<BR/><BR/>"was almost cross at my mother for landing us in this state." Yet again I.." - take out the random " in the middle!<BR/><BR/>"We all helped of course, in the beginning dad took mum out for short drives round the block ... "Truthfully, I was rather terrified, if she lost her nerve there was no way I could have really helped."<BR/><BR/>Two comma-splices in there!<BR/><BR/>..."as she realised how willing I was to help and be there for her in any way that I could."<BR/>Do you remember me going on about what a cliche that is? find another way of expressing that!<BR/><BR/>Now for a few general comments. First, I think you shouldn't use the expression "mum" all the time. Maybe you could use it when in the past, and use "mother" when you refer to your mature take on it all. <BR/>Next, the ending isn't a strong as it might be. I think you're trying too hare with the reflections. Remember, you can bring these out by your tone, so why don't you give us another flashback clip - your first outing with your mother on the motorway, perhaps. give us some direct speech to illustrate what was going on, with perhaps some of your thoughts which might well have been different from what you were saying. that way you could convey how hard it was for both of you. Contrast the idea of the different responsibilities - she's the mother and should be looking after you, but you're trying to look after her, in a way. This might make a final comment stronger than what you have, which is slightly repetitive. Read it and see what you make of it in the light of these comments.Christine McIntoshhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14198224025775398453noreply@blogger.com