Sunday, April 02, 2006

The Story So Far...

Myrtle didn't know where she was running to, or when she would stop, but she knew why. The pouring rain clouded her vision through her newly broken glasses. Her nose tickled; there was a pungent smell of the outdoors in the air. Laughter echoed all around her, taunting her, closing in on her.

She soon became breathless, wheezing, trapped. Her surroundings seemed to be spiralling out of control. Suddenly, Myrtle's legs buckled. She could no longer stand, she felt unable to do anything. Nothing was worth this. Surely nothing was worth all this effort and pain. But why? Why did she deserve to be treated this way? Her head throbbed and her throat prickled as tears warmed the rain on her cheeks.

Ever since Myrtle could remember, life had been this way: full of never ending bitterness and grief, taunting comments and lurking laughter around every corner. There had been the occassional bust-up before, but never anything like this. This time things had really gone too far. Myrtle felt overcome with desperation, she desperately needed help. But was there anyone she could turn to? Would anyone listen? No one could possibly understand how she felt and surely whoever she turned to would be shocked at what was revealed. Myrtle shivered in the blowing breeze, her jacket must be lying somewhere in the school, abandoned, forgotten. Just like her.

No matter how hard she tried, Myrtle couldn't erase that vivid night from her mind. Foolishly, she had felt that now he had finally gotten what he wanted, she could just forget that it had ever happened. But that was impossible now that she had a constant reminder growing inside her...


Myrtle kept remembering that beast of a girl screaming at her. What felt like years ago, she had burst into the vulnerable toilet cubicle to find Myrtle cowering over a positive pregnancy test. Obviously she had presumed that Myrtle had just been foolish and had gotten herself into this terrifying mess. If only that was the case...



Chris said...

This is shaping up really well.
I'm not a fan of the form "gotten" - nowadays it sounds like an Americanism. And if you use the GB "got", then you're into the realm of "forbidden words"!
However, I'd just say "got what he wanted" the first time and maybe have a think about that penultimate sentence. Maybe something like:
'Obviously she'd presumed that Myrtle had just been foolish - that what had happened had been her own fault.'

How are you dealing with the next bit? Flashback? or simple narrative? Remember, you might need to use what in latin would be called the pluperfect tense - "he had done this" etc.

Di said...

It's really coming on. Some very vivid writing here!

My only comment, apart from agreeing with Mrs Blethers about the use of 'gotten', is about a couple of repetitions.

In paragraph 2, you write: Nothing was worth this. Surely nothing was worth all this effort and pain.

The repetition is effective here, but I would punctuate it like this: Nothing was worth this. Surely. Nothing was worth all this effort and pain.

I've a feeling this is how it would sound if you were to read it aloud. It's just a little punchier.

The second piece of repetition could be eliminated with a word change. You've used desperation in paragraph 3, almost immediately followed by desperately. A small rethink of word choice is needed, unless you do it for effect, in which case I'd put them side by side like this:

Myrtle felt overcome with desperation, desperation for help.

duffy said...

So she's preggers? Who's the father? Was it concented? I don't know if my spelling is accurate there, but I'm sure I'll be corrected if it's wrong.

I like the idea of a "vulnerable toilet cubicle." And I like how you are playng with word choice - "But that was impossible now that she had a constant reminder growing inside her..." - great sentence here. A good prep for our news.

Keep this up and thanks for putting it all together! Well Done. ;-)