Thursday, March 30, 2006

Rejig of 2nd paragraph and 3rd paragraph

"She soon became breathless, wheezing, trapped. Her surroundings began to spiral out of control. Suddenly, Myrtle's legs buckled. She could no longer stand, she felt unable to do anything. Nothing was worth this. Surely nothing was worth all this effort and pain. But why? Why did she deserve to be treated this way? Her head throbbed and her throat prickled as tears warmed the rain on her cheeks.
Ever since Myrtle could remember, life had been this way; full of never ending bitterness and grief, taunting comments and lurking laughter around every corner. There had been the occassional bust-up before, but never anything like this. This time things had really gone too far. Myrtle felt overcome with desperation, she desperately needed help. But who could she turn to? Would anyone listen? No one could possibly understand how she felt and surely whoever she turned to would be shocked at what was revealed. Myrtle shivered in the blowing breeze, her jacket must be lying somewhere in the school, abandoned, forgotten. Just like her..."

SS

5 comments:

Chris said...

I'd still get rid of the spiralling surroundings! Why not say "The trees in the park seemed to swirl around her" - anything to remove the idea that the surroundings are *actually* doing anything unusual.

New para: "Ever since..." - miss a line.

I'd use a colon instead of a semi-colon after "way" - the explanation follows. (You're often asked about this punctuation in Interpretation tests)
[I'm not going to be pedantic (really!) about "who could she turn to?" - but you should know that "whom" is gramatically correct here.]

LP should look at your use here of Myrtle's thoughts in an unpunctuated flow - I think that's what she's been struggling with.

I take it the ellipsis at the end of this section is not a feature of the whole, but merely to show you'll be continuing? It's time, I think, to start filling in the answer to some of our questions. So: what is so shocking? What is happening to Myrtle that she's in such a state? Who else is involved?

And we'll discuss that comma after "breeze" tomorrow!

Well done.

Di said...

Wow! Some very vivid writing here :)

Mrs Blethers has commented on the punctuation, which, as far as I'm concerned, is the only small problem with this paragraph.

You're right inside Myrtle's head and your reader is feeling her pain. I love the way you liken Myrtle to her abandoned jacket. Used sparingly, this technique can strengthen your narrative.

Oh, and I would disagree with Mrs B over the use of 'whom'. It may be grammatically correct, but it's part of Myrtle's thoughts and unless she's a bit of a pedant herself, she'd think 'who'.

Chris said...

One final word before we meet: your essay in the exam may well be marked by a pedant - there are still some of us left in teaching! - and it's as well never to give them a chance to mark you down. If they are irritated by what appears to be your tenuous grasp of grammar, that irritation will be reflected in your grade - maybe a 2 instead of a 1. There are ways - not at all pedantic - of avoiding such pitfalls. We'll discuss this.

And a note to the sharp-eyed: I was *not* actually advocating the use of "whom" here - but I'd fix it some other way!

duffy said...

I agree with Mrs B. We need to get some of these questions answered now. In your next post could you put all the paragraphs together - just so it is easier to read the whole thing through.

I'm LOVING the description here. As Di says, the connection with the jacket is excellent - keep this up!

duffy said...

PS - even though it's the hollybags, please keep your readers interested... I want to know what happens! ;-)