Monday, March 27, 2006

1st Paragraph


Sorry for the late arrival, but I have had an extremely busy and musical weekend!

"Myrtle's heart was pounding. The pouring rain clouded her vision through her newly broken glasses. Her nose tickled; there was a pungent smell of the outdoors in the air. Laughter echoed all around her, taunting her, closing in on her. She didn't know where she was running to, or when she would stop, but she knew why..."

Hope that's ok as I usually tend to write personal experiences.



Di said...

Now I'm intrigued to know what happened to poor Myrtle! Your last sentence is great and has really hooked me.

Couple of points: I'd lose the pounding heart, or at least put it in somewhere other than the beginning. It's just a bit of a cliché. Also, can you make it clear from the beginning that she's running? I somehow pictured her lying on the ground with her broken glasses and her nose being tickled by the grass. In fact, your last sentence is so good I'd put it in first.

Maybe begin something like this: Myrtle had no idea where she was running to or when she would stop, but she knew why. Pouring rain clouded her vision through her newly broken glasses . . . . etc

Chris said...

Well, Di certainly got in ahead of me (too busy enjoying myself) - and I agree with her. The pounding heart is a cliche we can do without. [Thought: can you express this uncomfortable state of being in any fresher way?]
Questions for you, the author: why the strong outdoors smell? Is it especially meaningful? Is she allergic to something in the air? (the tickly nose)
Is the laughter real? I mean, are there people doing it, or is she hearing things?
You can write a second paragraph which clarifies all for me, if you feel that would be good.

duffy said...

Hope you got on well at lochgilphead (if that's where you were). I love this! I have nothing to say about the story itself because Chief McIntosh and Di have said it all. However what I will say is, from a personal experience, I always found it better to write about personal experieces aswell. Although you are writing about something that actually happened, allow yourself to play about with the reality of it all and have a bit of fun with it. Exaggerate and play about - it's quite interesting to see what you can create out of a real situation.

There is a bit of creative input for you - hope it helps!

Di said...

I always found it better to write about personal experieces as well.

Duffy's quite right - it is easier because you can project yourself into the scene more easily if it's something you have experienced. And that's the secret of writing vividly. Be there in the scene. In this story you are Myrtle. You're telling it from her point of view, so *be* her as you feel the story. Then you can tell it as it is.

Now that you've mentioned the pungent outdoor smell (is it something to do with the nose-tickling?) you must use it somehow in the story. Extraneous detail is just a waste of ink :)

David said...

I always avoid clichés like the plague.

Sorry, not very constructive I know, but I can never leave a good feed line unfed.