Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Rejig of first paragraph and second paragraph.

Thanks for all your comments! Yes I was at lochgilphead duffy, the band got first place and I got two seconds and a first! Was such a fabulous day!

"Myrtle didn't know where she was running to, or when she would stop, but she knew why. The pouring rain clouded her vision through her newly broken glasses. Her nose tickled; there was a pungent smell of the outdoors in the air. Laughter echoed all around her, taunting her, closing in on her.
She soon became breathless, wheezing, trapped. Her surroundings began to spiral out of control. Suddenly, Myrtle's legs buckled, she could no longer stand, she felt unable to do anything. Nothing was worth this. Surely nothing was worth all this effort and pain. But why? Why did she deserve to be treated this way? Her head throbbed and her throat prickled as warm salty tears streamed rapidly down her face."

SS

3 comments:

Chris said...

First - well done on the festival front! And now to business:
Your grasp of syntax and basics is secure, so we can concentrate on what is happening. I like the new para.1. As your reader, I'd question what she saw of her surroundings as you describe them. The surroundings themselves aren't doing anything - it's her perception of them. Think of what this actually means. it may be that you can be more precise, and help your reader to see what Myrtle sees. Don't be wordy - just picture it.
I'd also ask you to remember it's raining - so the tears will mingle with and contrast with the rain on her face. Perhaps you can bring this out;
"..and her throat tickled as tears warmed the rain on her cheeks' - or something like that. I don't know that she'd taste the salt at this point.
I'm growing impatient to know: who is treating her in what way?

Di said...

Well done at Lochgilphead! Also well done with rejig of first para.

Poor Myrtle - what a state she's in! I'm feeling sorry for her, which is what you set out to achieve (I hope).

I agree with Mrs Blethers that you could be more specific with the impressions of what she sees, rather than 'her surroundings seemed to spiral out of control'. It's another of those clichés that doesn't really mean anything. Otherwise, all your sentences are very evocative of that desperate feeling you get when you just can't take any more (cliché alert *g*).

As a final thought, I like the short sentences which convey the mood and I think you should stick to that throughout the paragraph, so maybe the one that begins 'Suddenly Myrtle's legs buckled' should be split up. And I'd like to see where and in what position she ended up when her legs buckled. Sorry, that was two final thoughts.

duffy said...

Superb result for the weekend, for both you and the band - very proud!

Right - what you are writing and how you are writing is superb. What I need you to do for this particular piece is have a sit down for at least 5 minutes and actully watch the "film" of Myrtle's journey in your head. Get a rough idea of what you want to achieve but at the same time allow yourself to become involved in *everything.* As a musician, try to think of what piece of music would suit this particular paragraph and will it change in the next? I always found this helpful because it allowed me to write to the music and allowed me to become involved in what kind of feeling I wanted my audience to experience. Think of the film "Jaws." The moment we heard the two notes played we were on the edge of our seats, we didn't need to see the shark. Try to impliment this kind of anxiety into your writing. In other words, you want us to be shouting at your story the way we did at "Jaws" - "Stop staring at the flaming thing and just ruddy swim!" You know what I mean?

And finally... read each others comments. You are both going through the same experience of having to sit an exam, but you are experiencing two completely different creative journeys. Enjoy it - don't think of this as a *task*