Monday, March 27, 2006

Rejig of 1st paragraph

Leia looked impatiently out of the window; a curtain of hair masking the anxiety that was expressed upon her pale face. The light reflected off the glasses perched on her nose as she moved restlessly in her seat. The room was silent except for the ticking of her watch. She waited and as time slowly marched on, her patience left with it.

4 comments:

Ewan McIntosh said...

I love this - what an improvement and with so few changes. Amazing how one verb can change how time moves. I'm interested by your semi-colon in the first sentence. Why use that and not a simple comma?

duffy said...

Great- I am intrigued! Do you have ideas on how the story is going to develop or are you simply writing it paragraph, by paragraph?

Di said...

Ooh! *Much* better. Good changes. I don't know what Mrs Blethers thinks, but I'd probably just use a comma in the first sentence rather than the semicolon. Of course that's just nitpicking.

Chris said...

OK. Nitpicker in chief has arrived! Lose the semi-colon; all you need here is the comma, because you chose the form "masking" (which is the present participle) rather than the finite verb.

Now: can you develop this in a second paragraph? Try to answer my questions: is she waiting for someone? Who? Why is she anxious?

(And I'd see para 3 as having her do something because of her impatience!)