Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Rejig of 2nd paragraph

She got up from her seat and paced her bedroom floor. Feeling sick with the anticipation that was fluttering inside her stomach, she wondered, why hasn’t she arrived yet? What if she doesn’t want to meet me anymore? She walked downstairs, trembling, to see if there had been any messages left on the answer phone. With great disappointment she put the phone back in its place. Suddenly, to the sound of tyres scrunching the stones in her driveway, her stomach lurched. She ran to the door and as she grasped the handle, she froze.
L.P.

4 comments:

duffy said...

Much better! It's amazing how chainging so little can improve a lot! Well done. Now for the third para - does she unfreeze?

duffy said...

Sorry that should be *changing* Maybe I should be the one doing my Standard Grage English!

Chris said...

You're still a bit hung up on the thinking. Read what Di had to say on stream of consciousness - you can leave out the wondering altogether.
So: She felt sick with the anticipation fluttering in her stomach. What if she didn't want to meet her any more? She walked downstairs ...

....Disappointed, she put the phone back. Suddenly her stomach lurched at the sound of tyres scrunching ...etc.

Do you see how I've tightened this up a bit? I've also put "lurched" next to "suddenly" because that reinforces the idea of sudden-ness.

You're thinking well - I'm really pushing you to see how many pointers you can pick up on. Now, as Duffy says, for the third para!

Do you feel there's an end for this story yet?

Di said...

It's coming on, but not quite there yet. Mrs Blethers has suggested how to tighten it up, so no point in me repeating.

Even although you're writing third person, this kind of close, 'in the head' writing is almost like first person and many of the techniques apply.

Aim for writing what you want to convey in the most concise way possible, as you would think it. For instance, you *could* write:

Feeling sick from anticipation, she paced the bedroom floor. Why hasn't she arrived yet? What if she doesn't want to meet me any more?

Drat, no messages on the answerphone!

Oh - her stomach lurched - tyres scrunched on the driveway! Grasping the door-handle, she froze.

This is what I mean by stream of consciousness. It's almost first person. Short sentences. Only essential qualifiers.