Friday, March 24, 2006

My first paragraph

Leia looked impatiently out of the window, a curtain of hair masked the anxiety that was expressed upon her pale face. The light reflected off the glasses that were perched on her nose, as she moved restlessly in her seat. The room was silent except for the ticking of her watch. She waited and as time slowly drove past, her patience left with it.



Chris said...

Some good stuff! Now think about the following:
Comma splice at "window" - you need a full stop OR change "masked" to "masking".
I'd remove "that were" before "perched" - snappier. I'd also remove the comma after "nose".
Can you think of a more apposite verb than "drove"? - I like the idea, and the condensed nature of the sentence, but wonder about the verb.

This is a promising start. :-)

Di said...

This is promising!

I like the silence with the watch ticking and I love her patience leaving with something that drove past, although I'm not sure 'time' is the best thing. Maybe she saw a car out the window . . .

Chris beat me to it, but I'd change 'mask' to 'masking' too. I'd also take out 'that was' and change 'upon' to 'on' in the first sentence.

Chris said...

Ok, guys - I'm looking for progress on "My first paragraph" - either a rejig of the first attempt, or another one - remember, it's going to end up as a whole story at some point!
I'm also looking for the second participant's first para - your audience awaits!