Tuesday, March 28, 2006

2nd paragraph

She got up from her seat and paced her bedroom floor. Feeling sick with the anticipation that was fluttering inside her stomach, she wondered to herself, “Why hasn’t she arrived yet?”, “What if she doesn’t want to meet me anymore?” She walked downstairs, trembling, to see if there had been any messages left on the answer phone. With great disappointment she put the phone back in its place. Suddenly, to the sound of tyres scrunching the stones in her driveway, her stomach lurched. Leia ran to the door and as she grasped the handle, she froze.

L.P.

3 comments:

Chris said...

Good. Now, I'd look at the punctuation of her thoughts. It's all the same person thinking, so let's not take the two thoughts apart. "Why hasn't she arrived yet? What if she doesn't want to meet me any more?"
Actually, I'd tighten that bit: 'She felt sick with ....inside her stomach. Why hadn't she arrived yet?..' - no inverted commas. You can do either. We'll discuss this.
So now I want to know:
Who's arriving in the car?
Why does Leia freeze in the act of grapsing the handle?

Di said...

This is good, Mysterious Writer. Mrs Blethers has commented about the thoughts and the punctuation thereof so I'll just say this: what you're writing is called 'stream of consciousness'. You're in Leia's head, so to speak, and so you can cheat a little with the punctuation. Leia's thoughts don't actually need to be in quotation marks because they're all part of this stream of consciousness thing. As long as you're in her head, you can do that.

Oh, and to continue the impression of being in Leia's head, I wouldn't name her again until it's absolutely necessary, so begin the last sentence with 'She'.

Looking forward to part 3.

duffy said...

I like what you're doing with this - not too much, too early. What I would like to see happening in future paragraphs is the continuation of Leia's internal feelings. I think it's great how you are describing her sickness and the way the car comes up the driveway - Keep this up.

Firstly - Try to understand how *you* would react in this kind of situation. Then, allow yourself to come up with ways that Leia would react. Would it be the same way as you? Would she handle this, psychologically, the same way you would? Things like that...

Secondly - A bit of creative thinking for future... I like how this is quite dark, but could the outcome of this be something quite positive. Remember - we are your *audience,* not your critics so you get to mess with our heads a little and have the power to create a sense of shock! To put in a better way - keep us on the edge of our seats.

Look forward to more...